YOU SAID IT WAS NOT INSIDE MY HEART, IT WAS.

It’s been a while. It’s currently 1.28 AM & I’m pretty tired from last night so I’ll speed update for now.

New Year - took some drugs, watched fireworks, danced like a maniac, kissed my friend Crew. We used to work together and when I went to raves a lot we’d often hook up - one of my best ever kisses is easily with him, when we were both buzzing and so high we were floating, then my friend came up and gave us both sherbet which we each put in our mouths then kissed - tingly fizzy yum. He’s absolutely gorgeous, tall with dark hair and a fringe that falls in his face, a cheeky smile with pouty lips and a six pack stomach. All in all, an excellent boy to start the year kissing.

My favourite escapade since then is probably Marco, an Italian-Welsh rugby boy at uni that I woke up with a few weeks back. It was a very hazy night but from what I remember, I was at the bus stop by myself trying to get home when this guy started bothering me, trying to get me to go home with him. I saw Marco approaching (having been introduced to him earlier as he’s a friends housemate) and went up to him and put my arms around him and asked him to make the guy back off. Next thing I remember I’m lying on a sofa at Marco’s with my head in his lap and him tucking a blanket round me. I woke up in his bed, to him sat in front of me wearing a wifebeater - actually thought I was in heaven. He’s very handsome, although more facial hair than I’m usually keen for but apparently without it he looks silly. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since, as everyone I mentioned his name too immediately warned me to stay away from him, and I may be self destructive but I’m not quite suicidal.

I’m currently back in Bristol for reading week. Oliver now works at Thekla, meaning I saw him on Valentine’s Day as we all went because it was one of my best friend Petes birthday the next day. Seeing him was fine - we didn’t talk much but he asked me how long I was back for then told me to text him. I battled with myself over it but decided not to as I didn’t see how it would end well. Then we all went out again on Thursday for Pressure. I walked in and he was the first person I saw - he held his arms out wide and said ‘hey buddy’. Again, talked a little throughout the night but as I was being (slightly) sensible I wasn’t that drunk so at the end of the night was feeling restless and like I was sober enough to make good decisions. The verity of that statement remains to be proved, but I texted Oliver and ended up meeting him when his shift finished and walking home together. It was good to see him and catch up, because before all of this we were friends and I don’t want to waste that especially when we barely had anything. He walked me right back to mine, then we hugged, said goodnight and parted ways - without kissing -  which for someone with my entire lack of self control was a feat of achievement within itself. He said to let him know if I’m staying here a little longer, which I am, and also told me when he’ll be in London next although I already have plans that evening. I know seeing him was ill-advised as I was over the whole thing and now he’ll be back in my head, but I think sometimes it’s better to let yourself make a mistake and deal with the consequences than to just play it safe and go for the wisest option. Rationality has never been my strong suite. 

WIKIPEDIA > LIMERENCE

Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being emotionally attached or even obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation). The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe a near-obsessive form of romantic love.^[1] Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infatuation, or is colloquially known as acrush, but in reality it is something much different. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived.

The concept is an attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love. Limerence can often be what is meant when one expresses having intense feelings of attachment and preoccupations with the love object. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated.

IT’S ONLY ABOUT HALF A HEART ALONE ON THE WATER

No more Oliver. We were gonna chill on Thursday but I rang him and he didn’t answer/call me back/text me. I was pretty upset but distracted myself with dismantling the Christmas tree and throwing it out the window. He eventually text me at like 8 apologising and saying something about feeling shit so would have been terrible company. Instead of replying I decided to delete his number and block him from my facebook feed. I know that may seem an extreme reaction but I’ll be back in London in like a week and he really doesn’t seem bothered about us so I’m just wasting my time. Plus because I did like him a lot I made more effort than I usually would and that made me feel vulnerable. I prefer it when the boys have no idea how I feel about them or even if I’m into them -it’s stupid but it makes me feel like I have some control over proceedings. Anyway to cheer myself up I went out and got drrrunk and thought about getting with a random but I know from past experiences that I just wake up (sometimes with said random in bed) feeling empty and more alone. My friend Joe ended up coming back to smoke hash and then we were soo baked we ended up kissing. New Years Eve tonight and I’m so hungover but party time must happen!